Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
you win again, gameday.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Randomize
