i need an iv and a liver transplant
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
