So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
The adults are the big ones right?
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
