Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
there's paper in my vomit.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
false alarm. still invincible.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Randomize
