Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
