I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Randomize
