my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
