Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
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