You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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