Say something about gay babies.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
