The maid of honor just puked.
a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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