I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
