Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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