I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
it's like heaven, but drunker
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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