she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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