remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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