Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
When did we convert life to cartoon?
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
