Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
