I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
