and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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