can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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