we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
