i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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