We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
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