Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
