Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
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