At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
