he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
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