I cannot find my penis.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
