So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
