my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
