eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I wish there were birth control emojis
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Randomize
