As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
