btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
