cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
