Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
