What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
