my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Randomize