Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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