I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize