also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize