Can i not drive my cunt home
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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