ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
