oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
