her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
