She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize