apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Randomize
