My liver just broke up with me...
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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