1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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