I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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