remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
