Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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