im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
