I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
