What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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