You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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