i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
