when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
