I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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