he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize