Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
