i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
