i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Randomize
