I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
i think i scared a bird with my dick
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
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