The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
