that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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