My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
