next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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