fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
