I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
