Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
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