Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
