I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
