Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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