Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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