How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
