listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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